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Monday, December 22, 2014

New Years Resolutions For 2015

New Year’s Resolutions for 2015


Ron Pierce: In February, when I decided to drive at Yonkers on the weekends, so I could buy groceries and make my alimony payments, Jeff Gural said he was sorry to see me leave the Meadowlands, but that I was “at the tail end of a distinguished career.” My horses will earn more than $11 million this year. I’ll finish in third behind Yannick and Timmy. I’m gonna have another great year in 2015, with all those snot nosed punks chasing me around the track and Jeff Gural eating his words—again.

Always A Virgin: I intend to find a way out of Indiana in 2015. I’m about to turn eleven and, with limited opportunities, as the folks who write the stallion ads are want to say, I’ve proven myself to be a Grand Circuit stallion. Miki won the Tattersalls Pace and the Bluegrass and Colors A Virgin took the Jugette and the Nadia. I’m sick of working with marginal—when I’m lucky—mares, and I definitely deserve more than $4,000 a shot. Pennsylvania, New York and Ontario are all on my list of acceptable destinations. I’ll even go to Ohio if nothing else comes up. Better move on my demands, or you’ll be covering those mares yourself.

Bettor’s Delight: My resolution for 2015 is to put some roots down. I was top dog in New York, just as I’ve been top dog nationally for the past few year, but the geniuses who run Blur Chip Farms decided to ship me off to drama central—Ontario. They slid my little brother Joe into my spot, but a look at the results from his first sale say: not so good. So, when the bottom fell out in Canada I was relocated to Pennsylvania. Now that things have stabilized a bit in Ontario, I’m back there. Crazed, who isn’t a pimple on my butt, returned to New York, but Cheddar and I got deported.

Ron Burke: I find it hard to believe that so many seem to think Takter deserves to unseat me as Trainer of the Year off what he’s done with his little boutique stable. My horses have started more than 5,000 times, seven times as many starts as his little stable. I’m gonna break my 1,090 wins record and I’m already $2 million ahead of my own earnings mark. Takter’s horses made about 700 starts this year. I could keep track of that many while sleeping. In 2015 I’m gonna start 6,000 races and earn $35 million. Let’s see them deny me then.

Donato Hanover: I’ve had a very good year; I was voted into the HOF, my numbers were up at both Lexington and Harrisburg, and my daughter Shake It Cerry was voted Trotter of the Year.  So, what do I want in the coming year? I want a son I can be proud of. My fillies have been very god but the boys have been slackers. I resolve to have one of my sons, preferably more than that, make me proud in 2015. My oldest are about to turn six and Possess The Will, a one year wonder from my first crop, is still my most accomplished son. Shake It Cerry and Check Me Out are super stars; Designed To Be, Mistery Woman, Real Babe, Royal Assets and Livininthefastlane have all raced very well. Uncle Lasse and The Bank won splits of the Bluegrass and Your So Vain took the Hambletonion Maturity, but that pales in comparison to what their paternal sisters have done. I’m getting a complex and a reputation as a “filly sire.” I don’t want either of those things. Let’s go boys!

Ake Svanstedt: I made a lot of enemies this year. I parked Yannick early in the campaign and he’s still mad about it. A lot of other drivers think I’m unpredictable on the track; they want a letter in the mail telling them when I’m coming out.   Good, I want to to be unpredictable. Jimmy called me a prick for closing a hole on Maven. He’ll see what a prick I am when Sebastian is trotting away from Patrick and Nuncio next year.

Father Patrick: Breed and race concurrently. Say what? Talk about trying to get blood from a stone. Why doesn’t Gural mind his own business so I can enjoy the working retirement as a stallion I’ve earned. Yeah, I know, Sebastian already does that. So what, he’s a Euro. And besides, look how short he was the last third of the season. No thanks. Make your choice: I can race or I can breed. I’ll do one or the other in 2015.

Somebeachsomewhere: So, my fee was cut by $5,000, it’s still higher than any other pacing stallion. My book is still open, despite the discount, but that’s no reason for everyone to shoot me sideways glances. Captaintreacherous was a great colt and I’m sure he won’t disappoint as a stallion. Others? Limelight Beach won the Jug, didn't he? Sunshime Beach won the Battle of Brandy. Somewhere In LA? Best two-year-old prospects? I’d have to get back to you on that. I intend to have a couple of hot sons come to the fore in 2015. I need to get these critics and skeptics off my back.

Casie Coleman: Is there anybody out there who has not noticed how fabulous I look? I didn’t think so. I’m fourth on the trainer’s money list, with fewer than 450 starts; my colt McWicked won a Dan Patch; my stallion Sportswriter, who I made a big bet on at the sales last year, crushed the opposition in the OSS freshman pacing class; and, If I’m repeating myself, please forgive, I look fabulous. My resolution is to look even more fabulous next year.

JK She’salady: How does Horse of the Year in consecutive years sound? The fillies will spend the year chasing my big butt around, and the boys will do the same when I win the Pace. Artspeak? That wimp. The crew of nursemaids he’s hooked up with are more interested in him as stallion than as a racehorse. He’ll be soft as baby poo come Pace Day. And I don’t see crooked-ass In The Arsenal beating me around the track. He’s liable to head for the grandstand during the stretch call. Sears will have white hair by the time that screwball gets through with him. At least that guy who was yelling at me in French isn’t sittin back there anymore. I speak Swedish and English—Je ne comprends pas.

Joe FitzGerald





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