I’m going to finish number two in earnings this year and I’m sure plenty of other drivers would switch places with me in a heartbeat. Still, I need your help. Captain T and Nitelife have moved on and Market Share and Anndrovette won’t be around forever. Thank God for Classic Martine. I led the money list the last seven years and won Driver of the Year four times, so I know I shouldn’t be greedy, but Yannick has first call with Burke and Takter—talk about greedy—while my owners have nothing but slowpokes. I can’t beat cheetahs with turtles, Santa. Please, bring me some faster horses for 2015.
I know it appears I’m sitting on top of the world; I have first call on just about all the best horses and I’m closing in on $17 million in earnings with three weeks left in the season. What could I possibly need from you, Santa? Well, I need you to help me hold things together. Ronnie took two and a half million out of my pocket driving Cerry for Jimmy and Lou for Burke. Next time we’ll steal his colors instead of his cowboy boots. Timmy won the Monument Circle with Big Boy Dreams and the Cinderella with Sayitall Bb, and he’s been driving Clear Vision. He can’t say enough good things about Ronnie. Matt K won the Messenger with All Bets Off and Brett Miller is driving quite a bit for Jimmy and Ronnie. Too many people trying to stick their hands in my pocket, Santa. Please help me keep the interlopers at bay.
I don’t like top tier horses retiring after their sophomore campaigns, so I made a rule that would make the cost of doing so prohibitive. Andy Miller and Jay Bergman bellyached about Takter blocking Designed To Be with Scream And Shout in the Del Miller, so I made a rule that will keep Jimmy in the paddock from now on. The fans cry the blues about Burke and Takter having too many horses in a race, so I made a rule outlawing that sort of thing. Brennan and Sears left me for Yonkers, so I banned them. You get the picture, Santa. Yeah, I have irritants like Joe Faraldo and George Anthony nipping at my heels, and the HRU malcontents can’t write enough letters to the editor knocking me, but who cares. I run the show, Santa. Everybody knows it. A gold crown with lots of embedded jewels, please.
I had been with Team JC as far back as I can remember, and we’ve been pretty successful. But several weeks ago my owner sent me to the Burke Barn. So, I beat Classic Martine in the Muscle Hill. My reward was to get sold for $750,000, not a dime of which went to yours truly, the one who does all the work. The new guy owns that wildly overrated diva, Be A Magician. He’s afraid to have her race against me—who can blame him—so I have to take on the boys. I enjoyed kicking their butts in the BC elimination. The new guy sold off parts of me and now the genius is sending me back to Europe. Last year’s trip wasn’t bad enough. Please, Santa, bring me a stable home life for 2015. I’m sick of waking up and not knowing where I am.
Nobody gets his picture taken in the winner’s circle more than I do. If I don’t own 25% of a colt or filly chances are they’re not very good. Muscle Hill, Snow White, A Rocknroll Dance, Chapter Seven, One More Laugh, Continentalvictory—the list is very long. Please, Santa, bring me a half dozen photo binders. The wife and I will be getting our picture taken a lot this year—as usual.
I’ve only raced seven times in the last three years; I turn eleven in a few weeks and have bad wheels and a lot of miles on the odometer. I put a cool $3 million in my connection’s bank account but they’re apparently still not satisfied. A couple of times a year that screwball I’m working for drags me over to the track to qualify and tells the press he’s contemplating whether or not to bring me back—for the tenth time. Contemplate this, Rod. Please place me with someone who can make up his mind, Santa. I’ve had my fill of this guy.
Seeing Thinking Out Loud blow past that Burke quartet late in the mile and take the Breeders Crown open pace was about as good as it gets. I’m so sick of that barn ganging up on my horses. Please bring me a few more top shelf Ponders so I can do to them what they’ve been doing to me, Santa.
First it was Trixton, who got lucky on Hambletonion Day, and never beat a decent field in any of his other starts. Is Trixton Takter’s best? Give me a break. Then it was Nuncio, who I routinely pummeled throughout last year and this. He caught me when I was sick on Futurity Day and in the Matron, so everyone shoved me down the list and embraced him as the second coming. You saw who the champ is in the Breeders Crown, Santa. The division is mine all mine. Trixton is taken care of, now I just need a ticket to Europe for that pest Nuncio. I’m sick of looking at him. Please, Santa.