Santa graciously allowed us to poke through his pile of mail and pull out a few from figures in the sport of harness racing.
I can’t seem to get people to stop taking my picture. Just because I hand them a camera and pose, that doesn’t necessarily mean I want my picture taken. If you can find a way to put a stop to this, it will make my Christmas oh so merry. Also, perhaps you could bring me a new selfie stick; mine is just about worn out.
I came East to change the sport, and that’s exactly what I did. I won more than 400 more races in 2010 than I had in 2009, and my stable earned $6.4 million more than I had in Cali. I repeated that in 2011, but then Jeff Gural and the New York regulators waged war against me and my earnings dropped by almost $6 million in 2012. This year I’ve got only 70 wins and $160,000 earned. Get this straightened out, Santa. Rene is number three with more than $6 million and here I am making 2% as much as I did four years ago. Smarten these people up, Santa.
Please help me have a big year in the aged ranks in 2016. It felt so good to win the Breeders Crown and shut those Grand Circuit snobs up for a spell, but I know it won’t last. They said I could only win sire stakes and marginal opens at Hoosier Park. Well, I covered their faces with egg when I grabbed that BC trophy at Woodbine. And while you’re at it, maybe you could ship my fellow Hoosier Miki and that pretend Hoosier Wiggles and Jiggles, or whatever his name is, Down Under.
Please make Patrick mine all mine in 2016—no racing or residency in god awful New Jersey. 2015 was a nightmare for him, with only one win in five starts, and even worse, following that pretender J L Cruze across the finish line. We only got to breed Patrick to 78 mares this year, because he was busy fulfilling the mandate of the four-year-old rule, but now that he’s back in Pennsylvania, we’re in business. 23 wins in 33 starts for $2.5 million is a record I can sell to breeders. Toss in his bloodlines and good looks and he’s a lottery pick. Please, a little peace and quiet and a regular routine for my boy in 2016, Santa.
I know I said I wanted to downsize a little, but I didn’t plan on slicing my win total in half and lopping $2.7 million from my bottom line. You know I’m a Gemini; words don’t mean much. What gives? Every year I have a big money star I can rely on. Last year it was McWicked; in 2013 it was Vegas; the year before that it was Michaels Power. My star pupil in 2015—Reverend Hanover—won three times and banked $220,000. Thank God for Betting Line. And all of a sudden McWicked couldn’t beat me around the track. That just won’t do, Santa. I went from number four on the money list to number 23. I’ve been voted TOY in Canada five times. The Canadian dollar is killing me. Disregard the cutting back rhetoric, Santa. Get me back on track.
What did you do with Rockin Ron? We won 15 races and earned $1.2 million together last year, but this year more often than not I had my trainer sitting behind me. Five wins for $423,000 might be great for some mares, but not for me. Tell Ronnie his backache is giving me a headache. Get him back in the game again, Santa.
How about a ticket to Europe, so I can get away from this head case Mission Brief. I’m the one who won the big three for sophomore fillies—the Oaks, Filly Futurity and Breeders Crown—but she’ll no doubt crush me in the Dan Patch voting. I’ve had enough of this place. Please bring me a passport and a Lufthansa ticket, Santa.
Please bring me a permanent location and a harem. It’s embarrassing. I sire the presumptive Horse of the Year but my handlers move me around from state to state and never recruit any mares for me to cover. I’ve already been in Indiana, Ohio, Delaware, and now it’s back to Ohio for 2016. I’m only nine-years-old, for God’s sake. I got three mares in 2013 and six in 2014. They came up with 42 in Delaware this year, but that isn’t enough. This is ridiculous, Santa. A permanent home sweet home and a chorus line of mares worthy of my talent, please.
Please bring me some respect for Christmas. I just finished my fifth year on the track, and it was a very productive one. I earned considerably more than any other aged pacer; set a world record when I won the USPC in 47 on Hambo Day; won the Molson for the third consecutive year; and also took the RWJ, Allerage Open, CPD, Dayton Pacing Derby and Mohawk Gold Cup. Oh, I’ll win the O’Brien, because late to the party Always B Miki isn’t eligible, but I have a sneaking suspicion he’s gonna steal the Dan Patch from me. He beat me in the BC on my home turf at the end of a long season—for me, anyway. He didn’t get going until the fall. Winning the BC and American National pales in comparison to what I accomplished this year. Bring me the Dan Patch, Santa.